Experimentation
by spook embassy
Summary: Tezuka on drugs. That just about sums it up. Yet another gag fanfic that shall be more than one chapter. El w00t.
1. Inui's ambition

DISCLAIMER: I do not own PoT. You do not own PoT. My neighbor owns PoT. Just kidding. Hahaha saying 'my neighbor' made me think of 'My Neighbor Totoro' and then I started to sing it and…

(cough) So this fanfic is going to be one of the strangest yet. Heh you didn't think that was even possible, did you? WELL IT IS. Yes. It has a surprise pairing (sort of?) and stuff. Ok I wrote this because well… I love seeing Tezuka as a spaz… like Horio… Hmmm let us start the havoc and despair!

* * *

Just by looking at his smile, you could tell that he was up to no good. He grinned as he strolled around, his new concoction in his hand. Everyone knew that a smiling Inui was a bad omen. He was no doubt starting some new experimentations. Hopefully, it wouldn't be an encore of the previous Eiji/Cucumber mishap. Setting a mysterious bottle down next to him on a bench, Inui took out his infamous data notebook and started to write.

He surveyed the courts where the Regulars were playing. He jotted down notes, occasionally peering up over his glasses to look at someone. He was reviewing his notes to see who would be the most fitting specimen for this experiment. Selecting the perfect one would be difficult, but it was vital.

He noticed that most of the tennis people were happy. When on the court and playing a match, attitude was a major factor of what the outcome would be. Happiness meant more determination and more positive outlook on the game… except… one of the players looked more cold and quiet than usual. He looked over to where the captain was standing. The very stoic Tezuka was staring out at the courts unemotionally as usual. Inui always made it a game to try and figure out what Tezuka was thinking about. Tezuka's whole persona boggled Inui, even after all of the data he had gathered on him. So it was decided that Tezuka was going to be his next test subject. What _was_ Tezuka thinking about, anyway?

_I could really go for some waffles right now… I haven't had waffles in so long… just thinking about the word waffle makes me hungry. Waffle waffle waffle waffle…_

In Inui's bottle wasn't any kind of liquid, but in fact a powder (not THAT kind of POWDER…). This powder was a morale booster and contained many kinds of sugars and various flavors of kool-aid. However, being a genius, Inui had made it colorless, tasteless, and odorless – almost perfect for putting into someone's water…. Inui was waiting until the time was right. He had hired his sadistic friend Fuji to distract Tezuka by asking him to play a friendly match with him, and during that match, Inui would put the powder into Tezuka's water bottle. The plan was perfect. It was so perfect, that Inui started twitching and laughing. Horio took notice, because he notices everything and has to tell you about it.

"Why are you laughing Inui-senpai?"

This caused more evil chuckling.

"I have selected," he started, slowly turning his head to face Horio's, "my next guinea pig".

Horio grimaced at Inui's devilish grin. He slowly inched away and back to his collective of Ryoma fans (A/N: how I loathe them…). Momo, being nearby, heard this and took great interest.

"Is it going to be anything like the Eiji/Cucumber incident?" he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Even better."

Eiji heard this and freaked out.

"RAISE THE ALARM! INUI ALERT! HE HAS SELECTED HIS NEXT VICTIM!" he screamed, flailing his arms. Oishi had to calm him down. Inui wasn't too fond of the idea of having all this ruckus about it. Half of the fun is gone when people KNOW… especially the victim. It didn't matter, though. Tezuka had become accustomed to tuning out anything being said whenever Eiji started talking. Fuji, seeing an opening, made his move.

"Mm Tezuka, want to play a friendly match with me?" asked Fuji innocently. Tezuka just nodded and the two walked over to an empty court.

The plan had commenced.

Inui immediately stood up from his spot on the bench with his bottle of powder in hand and walked over to where Tezuka's water bottle was. He carefully unscrewed the lids of both his bottle and Tezuka's water bottle. He was taking some measuring spoons out of his pocket when Oishi crept up behind him.

"Are you drugging up Tezuka?" he asked.

"I am adding his dietary vitamin supplements so that his elbow may heal more efficiently," Inui replied completely poker-faced and without falter in his voice.

"Oh." And that was that. Oishi left.

Inui went back to business. Oishi coming and catching him off guard had been a distraction to Inui, so he hadn't noticed that he had taken a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon out of his pocket. He moved a tablespoon's worth of the powder into Tezuka's water. It dissolved almost immediately. Inui swished the bottle around a few times to make sure that the consistency of the water remained mostly the same. Seeing that the deed was done, Inui went back to his spot on the bench and waited. He started a new log in his notebook. He started to write:

_The plan is going smoothly. I already have the powder mixed into Tezuka's water. I've instructed Fuji on how tire Tezuka out the most during the match, that way he is more likely to be thirsty. He drinks a lot of water, though. He's like a human water buffalo. Do water buffaloes even DIRNK a lot of water? I must research this further later…_

Inui looked up to see that Fuji and Tezuka's short match was over. Tezuka, with a towel around his shoulders, immediately went for his bottle of water. Inui grinned at him while he picked it up. Tezuka looked over at it him while he drank his water, giving him funny looks. Inui began to write vigorously.

MONDAY 

_Test subject has consumed formula. Results should show in 24 hours. _

Practice was over. The tennis players were heading to the locker room. Inui shut his notebook quickly.

"It begins."


	2. Tezuka's ambition

AUTHOR TIME!

Ah thank you all so much for the reviews! I read them all! It makes me so very excited when I see that I got one… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Death on the Horizon will be updated whenever I get together with my colleague and fellow collaborator of evil. Yeshf. We already have some of the new lines and stuff ready. As for the Eiji/Cucumber incident… I'll let you use your imagination, hmm? Fuwahaha.

It seemed like I had something else to say… oops oh well. Oh just so you know, things in (()) are thoughts. You could've gotten that on your own but OH WELL. OK.

* * *

It was Tuesday afternoon and time for tennis practice to begin. Inui had arrived early; eager to see how is test subject would be doing. Inui flipped through the pages of his infamous notebook of doom to where he most recently left off and started a new entry.

TUESDAY

_I am eagerly waiting to see if my morale booster is effective. Tezuka makes the most-fitting subject because of his seriousness and calm demeanor. If all of the Seigaku members could suddenly become as energized as Taka-san when he gets a racket, our success rate would go up 11 percent..._

Inui waited. Almost everyone had arrived to practice except for their stoic captain. Oishi started to get worried, as he worries about everything.

"Do you think Tezuka's alright? He never misses practice… I even saw him at school today."

The other Regulars looked around. Tezuka was no where in sight. He had completely dropped off everyone's radar. Most people on the team didn't have a relationship with him other than the member-to-captain one. Many of the tennis players consulted with Tezuka's only close friend, Fuji.

"I talked to him today at lunch. He seemed perfectly fine. I find it odd that he would just disappear like that… not like him at all…" His voice seemed to drift. His thoughts were apparently elsewhere.

Inui started to become nervous. Thoughts of where things could've gone wrong swarmed and flocked inside his head. He started to write in the notebook feverishly.

_Oh god what if I killed him? Like a sudden death thing? It's virtually impossible but the thought still lingers in my mind. Now I have to go search for the body and—_

Inui's train of thought was suddenly derailed by an unfamiliar shriek.

"HELLLOOOOO EVERYOOOONNNNEEE!" Shouted Tezuka with lots of exclamation points. His face was beaming and he was smiling and jumping around. It was a terrifying sight for all. "IS IT TIME TO PLAY TENNIS ALREADY? WOW IT IS SO TRUE THAT TIME DOES FLY WHEN YOU ARE HAVING FUN!"

More silence.

Cricket: chirp chirp

Oishi's jaw dropped in shock, Fuji's eyes opened, Eiji pinched himself to see if he was really awake and seeing this, Kaido started to choke on some water he was drinking, Momo just stared, Taka fainted, and Ryoma found it amusing. Inui whipped out his notebook and started to write.

_No good. I must have overdosed him._

Eiji popped over to Inui.

"EHH? This is _your _doing? What did you do? What on earth is wrong with Tezuka!" said Eiji while Tezuka was prancing about nearby; chasing invisible butterflies.

"It was a simple morale-boosting formula. I was seeing if it was effective on even the most serious people… apparently, I gave him an overdose… which provides me with interesting data," Inui replied nonchalantly.

"Well you have to FIX HIM because he might hurt himself!" Eiji pointed to Tezuka's most recent location, on the ground on one of the courts, where he was busily gnawing on a tennis racket.

"HEY MY GRIP TAPE," said Ryoma, finally getting off his lazy bum to get his precious taped racket away from his captain. As he reached for it, Tezuka reared back and snarled. Ryoma withdrew his hand. Tezuka went back to business.

"Welllllllll what do we do now?" asked Momo.

Inui shut his notebook quickly. Smiling, he said, "Now we experiment with our test subject." Inui walked over to Taka (who is on the ground) and poked him a few times so he would regain conscienceness from his previous blackout.

"Hn? What's going on?" said Taka sleepily.

"You're going to play a match with Tezuka!"

"WHAT!"

Inui handed him a racket. You can guess what happened.

"RIGHT! LET'S GO! I SHALL BURN THE CAPTAIN!"

"Hoi, Tezuka!" Inui yelled over to Tezuka (DUH) on the ground.

"Hn? What is it? ARE WE GOING TO PLAY LEAPFROG!" said Tezuka excitedly, getting into frog leaping position.

"Uh no not today, you're going to play a tennis match with Taka instead!"

"OOOOOOH!" Tezuka leapt up from the ground, and still holding Ryoma's chewed racket, he ran out to the court where Taka was waiting and swinging his racket around.

Inui was excited that he was about to see his trial experiment in action! If this worked… Seigaku could potentially become invincible! Soon the news had spread to the entire Seigaku tennis club that their loving powerhouse and (recently) loony captain were going to duke it out. Swarms and masses of people flocked around the tennis court. Tezuka was happy to be getting a lot of attention. He waved to everyone exuberantly. He spotted his dear friend Fuji in the crowd looking on, his face bereft of emotion.

"LOOK, FUJI! I'M PLAYING TENNIS!" He screeched, waving some more at his colleague. Fuji's ears perked up and his mouth opened a little. It closed and it became a kind of warm smile. He waved back gently. ((Maybe it's not an energizer… but something else…)) Fuji thought to himself. ((I have a theory… hmm it's time to do some tests of my own…))

"ALL RIGHT, TEZUKA! LET'S GO LET'S GO!"

"YEAH YEAH!"

The two started to yell. Oishi had to walk out to the courts and get them both to calm down and start the match. It wasn't going to be a real match, just have them play long enough to see the effects of the experiment in action. Taka spun the racket to see who would be serving.

"Ok," he said as the racket spun. "You call it".

"Hmm… ROUGH!"

"Ok!'

"NO WAIT!"

"HUH?"

"SMOOTH!"

"FINE! I GET ROUGH, THEN."

"NO I WANT ROUGH!"

"YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!"

"I AM THE CAPTAIN AND I SAY I GET ROUGH!"

"OK WHATEVER!"

The racket was coming to a halt. It had gone for a while, well, because Taka had spun it – so it was a very good spin.

Smooth.

"I CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT SMOOTH AGAIN!"

"YOU CALLED ROUGH AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT!"

"SHH NO I DIDN'T!"

Oishi ran out to the court. "You guys need to calm down! It's rightfully Taka's serve!"

Tezuka glared at Oishi and Oishi took notice. He froze under Tezuka's icy gaze. Oishi shut his eyes and shook his head.

"STOP THAT!" He squealed running away. "Let's start the match! Taka's serve!"

Tezuka grumbled and sulked back over to his rightful spot in the court.

Taka tossed the ball up in the air and hit it with much… vigor. Yeah that's the word. VIGOR.

"BAHNIINNNNGGG!" He yelled smashing the ball, sending it careening into Tezuka's side of the court. A glint of light came from Tezuka's eyes. ((It's over now)). Tezuka shifted his arm back, preparing to strike.

"No way! Tezuka's not a power hitter? What's he doing?"

Tezuka swung forward at the incoming object.

KA-POW!

The ball moved with lightning speed and quickly bounced into and out of Taka's side of the court.

"Yeah! Score one for me! Fifteen – love, baby!" Howled Tezuka.

"Net!"

"WHAT!"

Oishi pointed to the net. A hole had burned completely through it. It was the exit wound from the ball. Everyone watching gasped at the newly received power and force of Tezuka. Taka shivered. Tezuka glanced up at him. "That's you next time."

Taka gritted his teeth. He didn't know that Tezuka could be so… intimidating!

"Ah Inui! I want to quit!"

"I haven't gathered enough data yet…"

"INUI TAKA'S LIFE IS ON THE LINE!" Eiji squealed.

"Do you want an encore of the Eiji/Cucumber incident?"

"AH YOU ARE BOTH EVIL!"

"Hey where's Tezuka?" asked Oishi.

No one had noticed that Tezuka had vanished from the courts at all. Everyone had been watching Inui, Eiji, and Taka argue… that is… everyone but Fuji. Fuji was always very perceptive. He had neglected to mention anything to the others because he was conducting a mini experiment himself.

Taka walked over to the vacant half of the court where Tezuka had previously been standing.

"Ah! He left a note!"

"Where'd he get the paper and writing materials from?"

"I dunno."

"Well what does it say?" asked the inquisitive crowd.

Taka picked up the folded note, opened it's edges carefully, and started to read.

_Dear Sirs,_

_It has recently come to my attention that I am bored. It is mandatory that I solve this problem immediately. So I have left you to go steal Ryoma's cat, Karupin._

_Love and hugz_

_Tezuka_

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Ne ne? Chapter not so bad? Mnnn I am working on it… just to warn you, the plot is going to get increasingly weirder as this goes on… I have it all planned out. Muah ha ha ha. Thanks for your patience with my writing… I do have lots of homework. Mmyeah stay with me on this one! Give your night to me, datte bayo! 


	3. Fuji's ambition

Hi. I haven't been very diligent with my writing lately, as seeing that I have been doing an arse-load of writing. You see, in Washington state it is mandatory to take this huge standardized test called the WASL and it brings with it many controversies aaannnddd… yeah. Been busy. By the way, there is a secret kind of hidden thing in this… but… it's sort of obvious so… yeah.

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ryoma screamed. Karupin was the only living thing that held a special place in Ryoma's heart, and now he was gone. 

"Don't panic just yet," said Momo, "he couldn't have gone TOO far. Does he even know where you live?" The regulars gathered to have a discussion of what to do. Excluded from this group was Inui, who was still writing things down.

This isn't good… I must resort to Plan B and abort this experiment before it gets out of hand…

Inui felt a group of eyes coming down on him as he wrote in his notebook. He looked up to see many disgruntled faces glaring at him. His face remained serious.

"I already had a counter-measure planned out in case something like this happened… so don't worry. All we have to do is capture Tezuka and make him drink the antidote. If he resists, as he probably will, we might have to resort to injecting the serum instead…"

"Do you already have this formula made?" asked Oishi.

"No, but I do have all the materials ready to be assembled in my lab at home… in order to be more efficient, I would need an assistant to, well, assist me." Inui turned to address all of the regulars. "We need to divide up the tasks at hand here. I'll need one person to come with me to make the potion and I'll pair off the rest of you to go split up and find Tezuka. He should be easy to locate, considering he told us of where he was going. First things first – I'll pair you off. Momo, you go with Ryoma. Eiji, you go with Oishi. Fuji, you go with—," Inui paused. Some of the players looked confused as to why Inui had stopped talking. They started to look around and then finally realized that Fuji had vanished, as well.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FUJI IS MISSING NOW, TOO!" Squealed Eiji. "Is it possible that Tezuka could have come back for him?"

"Could be…" said Inui scratching his head. "Well now this complicates things… hm. Takashi, you form a group with Eiji and Oishi. Kaido, you come with me."

"A-alright… I guess… fshhh…" mumbled Kaido. He didn't really care about returning Tezuka to his former condition. Now that Tezuka is off to kidnap Karupin, things have been jeopardized.

"Alright, everyone! Let's go! And keep an eye out for Fuji!"

The regulars split up into their assigned groups and headed for their destinations.

Fuji had been sprinting for the past five minutes. He had a theory about Tezuka's condition, and it would be best to prove it without anyone else around or before Tezuka was returned to his normal state. Being a creepy evil stalker-person, Fuji knew exactly where Ryoma's house was… he even knew a SHORTCUT. He ran across sidewalks, nearly careening into half of the people occupying them. He hung a right at a corner and then went ambling down an alley. Before long, he was standing in front of the Echizen residence. He was now wondering by what means Tezuka was planning to get into the house, take Karupin, and then get back out without being seen. Fuji put his hands on his knees for a moment, pondering this, and catching his breath.

"Maybe Tezuka hasn't arrived yet," he mumbled between gasps. Suddenly, he heard a snap. A snap kind of like when you are sneaking around and you step on a twig because you're a bumbling idiot. Fuji surveyed the area around him. There was no one in sight. He darted around to the side of the house that had the window for Ryoma's room.

…SNAP.

Fuji's body froze. He looked around nervously with the hairs on his arm sticking straight up. After a few minutes of silence, Fuji moved over to a nearby tree and leaned against it. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.

"Gah… where ARE you?"

That was the last phrase Fuji uttered before he heard a yell and then something heavy hit him. Then, all went black.

"KAIDO, QUIT TOUCHING THAT!" Inui shouted to his assistant, who was curiously poking and inspecting all of the wonderful gadgets and gizmos in Inui's room.

"Sorry, senpai," he muttered, still looking around.

"I'm not mad or anything," Inui started, shifting his glasses a little, "it's just some of the things in my room are… how should I put it… dangerous? Fatal? Deadly? Take your pick." Kaido nodded and sat down in a swivel chair near Inui's desk. Everything was cluttered with papers and beakers… past experiments… it was quite the spectacle. Inui was shuffling through some things in a cardboard box with a picture of a skull and cross bones on it. Kaido was beguiled by the fact that his companion could locate anything at all. Inui paused for a moment and looked over at Kaido.

"Ah!" Inui pointed to a small blue bottle on his desk. "Could you grab that for me?" Kaido did as he was asked. His hand approached the mysterious jar, and then hesitated a little. What if this bottle killed him? What if it contained deadly acids that might explode when the heat from his hand made it warmer? A drop of sweat rolled down Kaido's cheek as his hand hovered over the mystery bottle. Inui started to notice that Kaido was being awfully quiet and he looked over to see what he was doing. He gave a small laugh when he realized the predicament going through Kaido's mind.

"It's ok. It's just sugar water," said a smirking Inui.

Kaido jerked his head over and gritted his teeth.

"I-I know that! I'm getting it already!" Kaido managed to stammer as he grabbed the bottle as quickly as he could. He tossed it over to Inui who had assembled some beakers, test tubes and an assortment of powders. Inui held up the bottle to his eyes and then poured some into a beaker. He then set the beaker onto a Bunsen burner and set the heat to medium.

"This sugar water may seen harmless at first, but if you know what to add to it…" Inui added on teaspoon of a saffron colored powder into the beaker. Immediately, a giant plume of blue smoke rose and filled the room with a kind of POOF sound. The two scientists coughed. Inui stumbled over to his window and opened it quickly to release the smoke from the chamber.

"…CHAIN REACTION," Kaido coughed.

"We're ready," said Inui sealing a lid on the beaker and turning off the Bunsen burner. "I hope the others have managed to find Tezuka by now…"

"And Karupin!"

"Echizen! Slow down! Are you insane!"

"THE ONLY INSANE ONE IS THE PERSON WHO THREATENS TO HARM MY PRECIOUS KARUPIN!"

Momo and Ryoma were running full speed towards the general direction of Ryoma's house.

"Does Tezuka even know where you live? Or know what a cat is? I think you're JUMPing to conclusions."

Ryoma turned to his companion who was running closely behind him. "I want to know exactly HOW he knew the name of my cat!" Since Ryoma was turned around to face Momo while he ran, he wasn't watching what was ahead of him. As soon as he had reached a corner, he collided with the second group of regulars: Oishi, Taka, and Eiji.

"Since we're all in one squadron now, we might as well travel together," Oishi pointed out.

"Might as well…" said a Ryoma with ringing ears.

When Fuji came to, Tezuka was right above him and staring deeply into his eyes. He smiled as soon as Fuji managed to blink.

"HEEEY! You're alright! That's great because I was really worried. You came in real handy when I needed out of that tree! You're real comfy, you know that?"

Fuji was still trying to grasp his situation. More blinking commenced. Karupin popped up from over Tezuka's shoulder. Tezuka was attempting to poke Fuji in the eyes to get some sort of response from him. Fuji batted away Tezuka's hands with slight agitation. "What are you DOING here?" Fuji asked, rubbing his head.

Tezuka looked a little confused for a moment. "I was getting Karupin." He thought it seemed pretty obvious. Karupin yawned.

"Why did you take Karupin?" Fuji was starting to feel like he was playing 20 questions with an 8-year-old.

"Well, it's my birthday soon and I've always wanted a cat."

"Are you sure that you have always wanted a cat?"

"Since I was very little, yes."

It was all starting to make sense to Fuji now. Inui's juice doesn't make people more empowered, it just unleashes their inner-child. Tezuka's inner-child just happens to be some crazy spaz obsessed with cats and it had been locked away for a long time now. Fuji was trying to think of what to ask him next. "Is there anything else you wanted for your birthday? Karupin here already has an owner." Tezuka looked a little disappointed and then turned a little rouge in the cheeks.

"…Yes."

"Can you tell me what it is?"

Tezuka shook his head. "Don't wanna."

Fuji realized that in order to communicate with someone of a younger age, he had to think and speak like one. "Oh PLEEEEEASE? You can tell me! I can keep a secret."

"I want a kiss from my secret crush," said Tezuka, beaming.

Fuji's eyes shot open. This! This is a one-time opportunity! If he can get Tezuka to confess to him about who his love is… AUGH HE NEEDED TO KNOW NOW! Fuji was almost unable to control himself.

"OH COOL, TEZUKA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHO IT IS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE—" Tezuka put his hand over Fuji's mouth to quiet him. "MFFRFGLPMHK!" was the muffled cry that came from Fuji. Fuji turned around to see that the other Seigaku members had spotted them. Blast! With all of the other regulars there, there was no WAY Tezuka would say anything. Fuji had to think quickly before the others got any closer.

"Tell me later?"

Tezuka just smiled.

"Please?"

"I'll meet you at the donut shop in an hour."

"Oh ok… wait… you like donuts?"

"I EAT THEM EVERYDAY!"

Fuji was stymied. He stared at Tezuka dumbly. As the regulars neared, Tezuka did this cool ninja move where you run away very quickly, almost appearing to vanish. By the time the regulars caught up to Fuji, he was nowhere to be seen. They were all trying to catch their breath.

"What happened here? What's wrong, Fuji?" asked Oishi. Fuji grinned and his eyes returned to their normal, shut state.

"Nothing… the man hunt continues."

Nearby, Momo was shouting, "HEY, ECHIZEN! I FOUND KARUPIN!" Ryoma's ears perked up.

"GIVEHIMTOMEARRRRRRRRRRRHGHGHG!" The two were reunited. Ryoma took Karupin in his clutches into his house, so he wouldn't have to help look for Tezuka with the others.

"So, should we split off into groups again?" Asked Taka.

"If you guys don't mind, I prefer to do footwork independently… it's just more efficient," Fuji stated smoothly.

"Alright."

Moments later, a shrill scream was heard and Ryoma came flying out of his house.

"TEZUKA DREW MOUSTACHES ON ALL OF MY STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES WITH A SHARPIE PEN!" He screeched, holding up a newly moustached Han Solo as Exhibit A.

"You have Star Wars action figures!" asked Momo trying hard not to laugh. Trying wasn't good enough for Momo. He burst out laughing extremely loudly, which frightened anyone in near them in a five mile radius.

"Urge to kill Tezuka… RISING…" muttered Ryoma.

* * *

Sorry that this took me forever to update. Blarhg. I'm out of school now so I should have more free time to write. Did anyone notice the hidden thingamjig I put in? Muahahahas. 


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